Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
Going to get tested monday. You're coming with. Bonding time, slut style.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
Please keep in mind you are asking relationship advice from a girl who fucked a guy just because we have the same name. Just keep that in mind.
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
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