i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Randomize
