The musician playing at the bar just puked inside his acoustic guitar, then sang an encore performance. I love Louisa!!!!
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
My orgasm happened in two different decades
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
Randomize
