Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
Randomize
