and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
Weer fine. went to buiy cigxs, but hes theonly one waering shoes. He caem out wti chicke fingers instead. whatecer, there th 8 dollar kind.
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
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