u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
Randomize