Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
how am i supposed to spank it to a shakira video when she looks like she is doing the robot?
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
God, I missed his penis.
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