i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
Good for him. He wanted to accomplish walking across niagara, I'm hoping to accomplish not throwing up tomoro nite, we all have our own priorities in life.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
Randomize
