I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
Randomize
