I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
we both passed out while playing beer pong, woke up in the morning and continued to play coffee pong to cure our hangovers
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
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