we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Okay so as of now, we may either be coming for one night, two nights, or not at all this weekend. It depends on Laura's toe and if I get my period. Will explain later
Forget Covid themed costumes. I need one that attracts a quality penis
preferably one with a six figure job and a boat
Randomize
