If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
When we ran out of red solo cups we switched to Starbucks cups for beer pong... Who doesn't want to live in Seattle?
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
Randomize
