Who said anything about talking that was a booty call
Moan for me like Helen Keller
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
I dont think that drinking by ourselves on a saturday night counts as being "fun alcoholics"
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
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