i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
She. Own s my pussycat. Roxk it like. The sun hitting the horizon
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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