I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
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