i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
He made me a period mix..should I back out now?
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
Randomize
