dude she wont stop talking about little people big world...she said my penis looked like zach roloff and took a picture with her phone?
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
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