i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
