Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
