omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
Randomize
