You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
considering how much of last night I don't remember and the amount of ones laying on my desk right now, it's safe to say I'm concerned
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
Correct me if I'm wrong, but did you let me pee in the grass while barking? And also, how many of you have videos?
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
I like literally had a visual image of his penis going into your soul
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
Is it wrong i wouldn't sleep with him because his boxers said #1 dad all over them?
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Randomize
