Leaving terminator. dude in front of us leaving was wearing a baggy micael vick jersey, cargo shorts and brown crocs. God I hate people.
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Randomize
