It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
tequila makes me forget i have legs
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
