i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
everyone contributed. i held her hair back, he rubbed my vag... it was a team effort.
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
Randomize
