I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
Got into the physics lab with my student id, hooked up over break when school was closed. I regret no payments for tuition.
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
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