I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
Those balls look pretty dangerous.
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
what part of 'taking a night off' includes MDMA in your world?
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
Randomize
