omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
How does one go about breaking up with their bf on vacation?
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Randomize
