I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
Randomize
