i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
It was as awful as eating cow testicles on fear factor and not winning and realizing you ate balls for nothing.
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
Randomize
