I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
I just saw that your im name has '4eva' in it. Your man card has been revoked.
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
FOUR LOKO IS YES. SUNDAY MORNING DRUNK IS YES.
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
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