I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
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