i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
Randomize
