I want the hot one, scratch that. anyone.
Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
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