If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Randomize
