thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
i jsut waqnnna hugg thw crap outa sokme peoplee
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
Randomize
