Is it weird that I have contacts who i've classified as DO NOT ANSWER?
Lol no its called college
just so you know, the uglier twin gives better bjs..don't be deceived
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
Randomize
