I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
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