I just found that girl ____ on facebook, her activities include "church nursery" yikes
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
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