i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
So am I a slut for not remembering his name after sex last night or not recognizing him in the cafe today after he told me who he was?
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
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