first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
I only kidnapped one of them. chill
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
Randomize
