I'm already going to be stripping so like pretty much you would just be watching me. Also we're watching twilight. again.
HOW IN THE HELL DID YOU BLOW A .24?????
We were watching I'm a celebrity get me out of here and taking shots every time heidi said HALLELUJAH, and started spraying her hair with that stupid dry shampoo shit....and we only watched the last half hour.
can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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