I just pynch a tree in the face
We need to have an Itty-Bitty Titty Committee mtg somewhere in the range of 5 minutes to ASAP.
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
He came in asked for the bathroom and came out 10 minutes later dripping wet took his redbull and left.
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
we came up with a wnba drinking game. take a shot every play that you could've done better. won't make it through 1st quartar
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
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