you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
Randomize