so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
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