Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
I am currently google image searching dick piercings, trying to see what I'm getting myself into.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
Randomize
