I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
btw im having a "its finally warm enough for a bbq in Toronto" party tonight. bring all the alcohol you have. and hamburger buns.
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
he's been 21 for 38 minutes and he's already trying to fist fight this dude over his girl
awwwww babys first drunken mistake
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
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