Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
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