Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
He should get nipple rings. No homo...I actually don't think there is a way to make it non gay.
Yeah you should have just let that thought go.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Randomize
