At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
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