Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
Laughlin, where retired strippers come to die.
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
this just proves how much faith i have in "us".. what should we be for halloween..?
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
