just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
My last two google searches are "shiny things" and "Ohio consent laws." you should visit more often.
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
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