New thing to add to the list of never wanted to talk about with my grandma: sweating in ur crouch and vag area
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
Randomize
