Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
you busted in the room, ripped the covers off of us, ... and fist pumped
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
Randomize
