sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
I'm sick of being the only unemployed member of the group. Doing things alone isn't partying. Its sad.
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
