Can Purell be used as lube?
Ok so my english teacher told me i could have 5 absences bc of my "problem". I have no idea what she is talking about
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
Ok not good, my info has definitely been submitted to this sugar daddy website before.
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
Randomize
