you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Randomize
