I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
Randomize
